From an early member of the on line BDSM Scene

Party Rules & Expectations
From the home pages of Tammad Rimilla
He is greatly missed and thought of often.




In my own opinion, party "rules" are just another form of negotiation, and are as essential for a successful party as negotiation is for a successful scene.

With that statement I do not presume to specify what the rules _are_, or _should be_, merely that NEGOTIATION should take place. It goes something like this: the host specifies what actions are and are not within their party "limits". Then each invitee has to decide whether they can enjoy playing inside the host's party limits, and also whether they might be squicked by other people's play at such a party. If the guest feels uncomfortable with the party limits then they should probably decline the invitation. If they accept the invitation, then they have to be prepared to honor the party rules and to cope with watching the play of other guests.

In general, the more detailed the information provided by the hosts, the better able guests are able to react and to plan. And "detailed" need not imply "verbose", my own inability to be brief notwithstanding. :-)

Party rules are how the host makes explicit their EXPECTATIONS for behavior at their party. If those expectations are not made clear, then it is quite possible that the guests will unintentionally violate one or more of those expectations. When expectations are violated that the normal human response is anger -- and angering your host isn't cool party-animal behavior.

SOME EXAMPLES



These examples are all cases where the host's EXPECTATIONS really need to be made very clear, in advance, or else major unhappiness can result. Most people have strong feelings about these issues. [I use the word "host" as a gender-non-specific title, a.la. "network host".]

I've known some parties where penetration is not permitted, and others where it is permitted or even encouraged.

I've known some parties where alcohol and/or tobacco are permitted, and other where one or both are forbidden. A similar statement is often made about use of other chemicals. (NOTE: If you need to bring prescription medicines with you to a party to maintain a medication schedule, it is considered polite to mention that to your host, so that they will be expecting you to be taking pills or whatever.)

I've known some parties where donations of money were expected, to help cover the food costs. I've known others where money was forbidden, but guests where expected to contribute "pot luck" food items. I've known still others where (for sound legal reasons) the hosts will not accept money, food, or any form of gift on party days.

I've known some parties where full nudity was not permitted, some where fetish costumes were expected, some where nudity was permitted in "scene/play space" but not in "safe space", and still others where clothing was optional for the whole event. Some hosts might require mandatory nudity.

I've known some parties where guests are expected to help answer the door and the telephone, to unburden the host. I've known other parties where the host insists on being the only person to handle door and/or phone, for privacy reasons.

I've known some parties where the doors are locked after a certain hour and no new guests will be admitted after that time, while at other parties guests are welcome to wander in and out as the mood takes them.

I've known some parties where SM play was permitted only in certain rooms, bondage tickle play was permitted in another room, "generally vanilla" type sexual play was permitted in certain other rooms, and still other rooms were "safe space" for talking and eating. I've known other parties where play could happen anywhere. I've never known a host not to designate at least a small space as "non-play safe space" -- at least in the vicinity of the front door, if nowhere else.

I've known some parties where all occupants of a room were expected to fall silent whenever a scene was in progress, and others where subdued conversation was permitted even during scenes.

I've known some parties where "safe space" differed from "play space" only in that no active _playing_ would be going on, but people in that safe space might be nude, might be wandering around in bondage, might be in some erotic costume. But they would be talking, eating, dancing, and/or generally partying it up there, not scening. At other parties, the nudity and costumes might be OK in safe space, but no ongoing bondage. At still other parties, people in "safe space" are expected to be dressed, so that if a neighbor shows up at the door the tableau inside the door looks like a relatively normal party.

I've known some parties where positive ID, proof of age, and a signed "rules agreement" form are required for admission. Many parties are by invitation only, and there is someone by the door checking names off the host's copy of the invitation list. Some parties allow guests to bring friends without pre-arrangement. Some parties (esp. at SF conventions) are open to anyone (anyone with a Convention badge).

I've known some parties where the hosts have floor space but not many big toys, so the guests are invited to bring racks, benches, etc. I've known other parties where space was constrained and the guests were required to make do with the items provided by the host.

I've known some parties where the host has provided sturdy overhead attachments for those wishing to bring suspension gear, and other parties where the opportunities for attaching restraints to the (rented) residence were very limited.

I've known some parties where the host makes a portion of their personal flogger/whip/paddle collection available for general public use, and I've known other parties where each participant is expected to make their own arrangements for such toys, so that it is easier to keep track of which toys have been used on which Bottoms. (Guests should ask permission to use another guest's toys, and alert the owner if blood contact occurred while using a borrowed toy.)

SEVERAL NOTEWORTHY HOST TOUCHES



One particularly nice touch, especially at a party where some guests might be new to the scene, is for the host to arrange and announce one or more "exhibition scenes", whereby the host has prearranged with certain guests to do a particular kind of scene for all to watch, at a time early in the party. It's a nice ice-breaker, and it also helps the host convey in powerful non-verbal ways what sort(s) of play they want to encourage. I had the good personal fortune that my very first play party started with a *very* impressive sensual flogging. It was very reassuring for me to know that BDSM play in _reality_ could be everything I had always _imagined_ it to be.

I was incredibly impressed when I attended one party at which penetration and sex play were strongly encouraged, because the host arranged for a local entertainer (into the scene) to give an extensive and delightful "Safer Sex" lecture/demonstration early in the evening. Guests were not required to follow the practices described, but by the end of the lecture everyone knew enough to intelligently make their own decisions about risk. [I also learned something new: that putting lubricant inside a condom can greatly improve the sensations. Never assume you have nothing more to learn from such a lecture.] A very classy touch.

Some hosts ask that guests planning long, complicated, or "extreme" scenes mention that in advance. That allows the host to "fine tune" any details of the scene beforehand and perhaps to make special preparations. Sometimes mention of these "special events" is made either in the invitations or in pre-party update E-mail. This allows guests who might be especially attracted or repulsed to plan accordingly. [I departed a day and a half early from one particularly nice party, because there was an announced scene scheduled where my assessment of the potential for loss of life was higher than I was comfortable being around. The host did me a BIG SERVICE by announcing the plans in advance. There was no shortage of guests for that event, but I wasn't there.]

SUMMARY



Hosts have limitations that may be imposed upon them by their location and their personal situation. Hosts also have moods and interests that vary over time. Thus, hosts will seek to provide different styles and intensities of entertainment for/with their guests at different times. And each host will have their own unique set of tastes and constraints, different from the tastes and constraints of every other host.

For each party the host generally has a fairly specific set of EXPECTATIONS. The good host will make those expectations known in advance, and the good guest will either politely decline the invitation or scrupulously honor those expectations.

Party hard! I do... :-)
-Tammad